I Don’t Own a Spa, But If I Did… We’d Cry, Giggle, Rub Our Bellies, and Set Our Boobs Free

The spa of my dreams doesn’t sell you shame disguised as skincare.
It doesn’t recommend injectables based on your “problem areas” or whisper passive-aggressive nonsense like “Have you considered threading?”

No.

If I owned a spa, it would be built for feelings not filters.
And it would come with a menu so sacred it makes you laugh-snort and sob into your bathrobe.

Listen, I love a good steam room as much as the next serotonin-deprived wellness seeker, but lately? Spas are starting to feel like dermatology offices with better lighting.

We say we’re healing but we’re freezing our fat. We say we’re glowing but we’re just inflamed.

Where, I ask, are the chakra spas?
Where is the feel-good, smell-good, mood-adjusting, aura-boosting, zero-judgment self-care haven?

Let’s pretend I opened one. Let’s call it The Auratherapy Spa.

Welcome to the Fantasy Auratherapy Spa Menu  now featuring belly rubs and boob revelations. You’re welcome.

Signature Chakra Massage Experiences

(We go deep. Like chakra deep. Not just knots-in-your-shoulder deep.)

Chakra Balancing Massage

Imagine being slathered from Root to Crown in chakra-specific oils while someone realigns your spine and your life. Reflexology, sound bowls, crystals—yes, all of it. You walk out smelling like enlightenment and wondering why your third eye is now fluent in Sanskrit.

Mini Chakra Reset

For when you're too busy ascending to spend a whole 90 minutes. Perfect for post-breakup, pre-boardroom, or mid-existential crisis.

Chakra Couples Massage

Two tables. Two humans. Because nothing says intimacy like dual aura scans and a shared heart-opening ritual. One moment of real intimacy that doesn’t involve arguing about who left the oat milk out. There will be sighing. There may be tears. There will definitely be connection.

Aura & Chakra Energy Readings

(Spoiler: your energy is weird. It’s fine. We’ll fix it.)

Using intuitive tech and lowkey psychic wizardry, we read your vibes, diagnose your stuck energy, and prescribe a blend of essential oils more effective than your last three self-help books combined.

Aura Reading + Chakra Alignment

Half intuitive wizardry, half energy work, all you. Your aura gets a tune-up, your chakras get a talking-to, and you leave smelling like intention and clarity.

Add-On Enhancements

(Because more is more when it comes to you.)

• Chakra Oil Upgrade: Pick your potion. Apply with purpose.
  
  

• Aura Spray Ritual: Mist away the mood of your mother-in-law.
  
  

• Crystal Grid & Sound Healing: Let the bowls do what therapy couldn’t.
  
  

• Take-Home Ritual Kit: For when the spa ends but your spiritual rebrand continues

New Category: The Sacred Belly Series

The Sacral Massage

Yes, we are going there.
Yes, we are touching our bellies.
Yes, we will probably cry and then giggle and then cry again.

This isn’t a "bikini bloat reduction" gimmick. This is honoring your gut, your second brain, your creative center, your wombspace (literal or energetic). This is what should happen but rarely does: someone saying, “Hey, this part of you is allowed to feel safe and seen, too.”

Why? Because under that emotional constipation and forgotten core lies your joy, your fire, your flow.

And she misses you.

New Category: The Heart Massage

The Great Heart-Opening Boob Rub (Yes, We Said It)

We’re doing it. We’re rubbing our own damn boobies. Not in a Cosmo tips-for-his-pleasure way. In a “these have been covered up, crossed over, and ignored for too long” way.

This is the moment where we move the straps aside, take a deep breath, and say, “Hey, what’s going on in there?”

Because it’s not about the boobs.
It’s about what’s behind them: the grief, the love, the empathy, the part of you that gives and gives and gives and just wants to feel held.

Why? Because no one talks about chest tension unless they’re selling bras. Because your heart deserves a massage more than your hamstrings. Because behind your Playtex Cross-Your-Whatever is a wide-open emotional prairie just waiting to gush.

Monthly Specials

(Because your cycles deserve ceremonies too.)

New Moon Chakra Massage

New you, new intentions, new chance to forgive yourself for ghosting your inner child.

Full Moon Aura Reset

You get an aura reading, a third eye tune-up, and just enough emotional release to avoid texting your ex. Probably.

Spa Ritual Packages

(The "treat yourself" rituals you didn’t know you needed until now.)

The Aura Experience

You came for a vibe check, stayed for a full-body energetic awakening. You leave with oils, insights, and a vague sense that you just healed an ancestral wound.

Self-Love Ritual

Heart Chakra massage. Rose mist. Quiet weeping. Sudden joy. A moment of looking in the mirror and finally liking who you see.

The Product Bar

(Retail therapy meets real therapy.)

• Chakra oils to anoint your evolution.

• Aura sprays for shifting vibes like a boss.

• Discovery kits so you can sniff your way to self-actualization.
  
  

Conclusion
I still don’t own a spa.
But if I did?
 

You’d come for the chakra realignment and stay for the boob rub that healed your heart.

Meet the Founder: Laura McCann

Visionary. Aromatherapy Queen. Not Technically a Spa Owner (Yet).

Laura McCann didn’t set out to become the oracle of energy healing.
She just wanted her back to stop hurting, her chakras to behave, and her perfume to stop trying to kill her.

But somewhere between running a startup, surviving a rare health crisis, and realizing that most “wellness” is just capitalism in a cucumber mask, Laura had a revelation:

“Why does my aura know more about me than my doctor?”

So she founded Auratherapy, a brand that said “no thanks” to toxic fragrance, “you’re welcome” to essential oils, and “buckle up, baby” to anyone curious about their energy field.

Now? She’s out here helping people adore themselves one scent at a time, writing books about chakras (yes, she’s a published lightworker), and secretly dreaming of opening a spa so spiritually aligned that even your inner saboteur would leave a five-star Yelp review.

Credentials Include:

• Survived being an entrepreneur for over 4 decades and a literal medical mystery.

• Created her own chakra oil blends before it was trendy.

• Once got so grounded she sank into a meditation cushion and briefly forgot her own name (true story, probably). 

• Thinks “Playtex Cross-Your-Heart” is both a bra and a metaphor.
  
  

So no, Laura doesn’t (yet) own this spa.
But she did design the vibes, write the menu, and probably cleansed the imaginary treatment room with palo santo and a Spotify playlist called “Cleansing Frequencies, But Make It Funky.”

If this spa ever becomes real, just know:

Laura’s the reason you’re finally rubbing your belly, forgiving your self, and crying into a frankincense-scented pillow while declaring you finally adore yourself.